Starring Role
When I was little I was always in front of the camera. My dad had one of those huge camcorders from the 80s—the kind that was so bulky and archaic you had to hold it on your shoulder. Together with my siblings, we’d dress up and create characters and scenarios derived from influences like The Lion King, Batman, and Michael Jackson’s Thriller. Sometimes it’d be a show spawned entirely from my own five-year-old mind. Nevertheless, every weekend we’d make movies. Every weekend I became someone else for a little while.
All children have vivid imaginations, but playing dress up is something you eventually grow out of, right? By the time you graduate high school you’re supposed to have a pretty good idea of what you want to do for the rest of your life. I turn 26 next week and I couldn’t be less sure about who I am and where I’m going. Well, I don’t know if “sure” is necessarily the right word for it. It’s more like I refuse to settle on being just one thing.
Halloween is my favorite holiday. Who would've guessed?
I read an interview this morning with one of my favorite artists, Marina and the Diamonds, in which she talks about her next album being about growing up and the point at which she thinks she finally realized it was possible. As an artist, she’s built her career atop a mountain of personas, costumes, and archetypes—constantly reinventing herself and her brand. But unlike most “manufactured” pop, Marina creates these characters in a way that’s deeply personal and complex.
Her second LP, a concept album about a woman’s struggle with identity and relationships, is incredibly relevant and one that still has me listening two years later. It reveals the many sides of a young woman—the heartbreak, the happiness, the loneliness, the uncertainty—character traits that at times can be very exaggerated yet at the same time, very real. Electra Heart became a means to explore parts of her own young female identity, but now Marina talks about it being an anomaly, a chapter of her life that she just doesn’t relate to anymore. In contrast, her new album FROOT will be a stark departure from acting out character narratives. Another reinvention of herself, though this time it’s more grown up.
Like Marina, I’ve been told I’m a bit of a chameleon, ever changing, resilient even. I can’t remember a time when I was heavily influenced by the same thing twice. I’m constantly reevaluating my choices, my beliefs, and my inspiration. I try to play a different part every day. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, I think Marina and other artists are on to something. There’s a lot of pressure on people my age to know what they’re doing with their lives and the truth is, we don’t. Some are better actors than others. Some don’t have to act much at all. Most of us are just trying to figure ourselves out—reinventing ourselves in the process.
As much as we’d like to literally be someone else at times, it's so important to acknowledge the multitude of characters inside of us begging for stage time. There’s a chance it’ll be a flop (the era of UFO pants and black eyeliner), but there’s also a chance it’ll be a life-changing role (becoming a professional writer). Either way you’ll be one step closer to understanding more of who you really are (or really aren't).
Next week I turn 26. Today I’m a blogger. Yesterday I was a runner. Tomorrow I’ll be something completely different. Every day is an opportunity to explore new strengths and weaknesses, to see life through a new lens and learn from it. So it’s not that I refuse to grow up and stop playing pretend. I just prefer a little more variety along the way.